Last night while biking back from a delicious dinner at a friend’s house Mart & I were discussing life. It is funny actually, we do this a lot, riding our bikes home from where ever we were that night, decompressing our impressions. Last night there were two things I’d like to share here that we discussed; the first was a realization that we have both come to, just on separate time lines. Martin and I both have been trying to figure out who our best friends would be during our time in Cambridge. Who will be Martin’s Carl or my Grace & Emilie duo? We miss our friends from Texas, we miss the bond, the candidness of our relationships, the shared hardship of either side of a deployment (the deployed – the guys and the left behind – the girls). Martin kept coming home from school and saying that he didn’t really feel all that connected to anyone in his section. Or we would come home from a Armed Forces Alumni Association (the student veterans) and feel so inexplicably refreshed and enlivened! But even so Martin came to the realization about a month ago and I came to it yesterday but we both acknowledge that we might not make best friends while here in Cambridge. It is kind of earth shattering for me to think about if I think about it for too long or too hard. Because it makes my heart hurt. That is where I thrive, I’m the girl with a very close yet small group of girl friends.
The second thing we/I talked about is my self-confidence. I sometimes have issues regarding my self worth and confidence. I hope to grow out of it one day because honestly sometimes I find it crippling. But here is how it went yesterday. I really enjoy being alone, or rather, I really enjoy being in the company of myself. And when I am by myself I am happy with who I am, I am confident in my decisions, convictions, and life in general. Sure, I’ll wonder about more existential things like what gives my life meaning, but overall I am happy with who I am. Then we go out and talk with others, and hear their stories, and in my mind I start comparing them to me; from there it is all downhill. Most recently my self-worth takes a hit because I am not a student at Harvard, I didn’t go to an Ivy League for undergrad, I don’t make a lot of money, then there’s the fact that I don’t really care that I don’t make a lot of money, I have a hard time being the center of attention, I don’t enjoy talking about myself. Basically in my mind I have written myself off as inferior and then starting telling myself all sorts of lies, for instance that no one is actually interested in hearing about interior design, that they are just asking to be polite.
This blog post: http://casayellow.com/on-dinner-work-lifestyle/#comment-6261
This comment by: La Domestiqueon 25 July, 2012 at 3:56 pm
I just turned 30 and spent my 20′s trying to unlearn lessons that were surprisingly hard to let go of, most involving what work means to me, how my paycheck doesn’t define me, and the value of what I have to contribute to this world. As a creative person now working freelance, “What do you do for a living?” used to be the scariest question, because I couldn’t figure out how to put myself in a box that fit in with others’ expectations. Your post really resonates with me. I used to think devoting myself to creating and cooking wasn’t important enough, but not anymore. These things do matter, they create community, family, and sustain relationships. I think your book is thoughtful and so well done. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Read more here.