There are times when I feel that my life is a series of reactions to my husband’s life and his choices. And I believe that this is partly to blame for my occasional unhappiness. I did not imagine my life as a follower, I imagined trail blazing, moving up and up through out my experiences. Instead a lot of the times I feel like I move sideways and only a little bit up. Before this summer, it wouldn’t be fair to blame Martin for my reactive life because the blame really lies with the Army. We were both reacting to circumstances, yet they were still circumstances that Martin was able to configure a bit, me not so much. The question for me is always, okay here we are, now what?
I’m tired of it.
I am not foolish enough to think that “It’s my turn to call the shots!” (although that thought has crossed my mind numerous times), after all it is Martin who supports the both of us, any money I make is mad money. I do fully expect though, in any good marriage, also comes a healthy dose of compromise from both individuals.
So we will see what compromises are made in the next coming months and years. Unbelievably we have started to seriously think about where we would like to end up post-HBS. I think we are both itching to be close to family and to find a place that we can settle down for a while and really sink our teeth into. I’m not sure though if that’s the way it’s going to work out. Next up for me is my chance for grad school, and that may take us to yet another two year stint some place we’ve never lived before.
A bit of randomness – I found this little feather today and was inspired by its colors and pattern.
* As an aside, life as a military wife is not as black and white as some civilians believe it to be. I have been told numerous times to “Take charge of your own life!” What they don’t realize is how hard that is. Nothing is ever for sure in the military. You might know that you probably are going to move in three years, but that may depend on if your husband is going to go Special Forces, and that depends on whether he is allowed to even try out, once he gets permission to tryout then you are waiting to hear what dates he can go to SFAS (“tryouts”). If he gets selected (“passes” “tryouts”) then you know what unit he (and subsequently you) will be going to. But when will the training be? When will he deploy? How long can you expect to live there? None of those things are answered for you and Special Forces is just a single example, there are so many other similar situations military wives find themselves in. So you are left to try and make a real life with the situation you’ve been given. Choices like going back to school or getting pregnant become even more involved. So please, don’t ever tell a military wife to take charge of her own life, because trust me, she is desperately trying to even if it doesn’t look like much to an outsider.