Appreciation

7:59 – I need to start appreciating my life more and all that I have.  I was running along the Charles River, a stones throw from Harvard, with Sully this afternoon and realized how Boston was just a few miles away.  That’s pretty freaking awesome.

I don’t have to pretend that the people here are friendly, I don’t even have to like all of them, I also don’t have to want to live here for the rest of my life.  But I should be appreciating it for what it is while I am here.  As I have said to Martin numerous times “I am walking down a freaking brick laid sidewalk, brick!  I’ve been wanting to walk along brick sidewalks for years!” And here we are, daily I find myself tripping over brick sidewalks! (:

While walking this afternoon with the dogs I told God that he can do what He would like to with my career.  (We’ll see if I can shut up enough inside my own head to listen to what He wants….).  Obviously trying to figure out what I think is best for me is not getting me anywhere.  First I want to be an architect, then I think I want to be an interior designer (which I still do but think not in the typical fashion), and now I just don’t know.  I see what my boss has to do everyday and I am not sure that I want that much daily stress.  Add to it that I just don’t feel like I am truly helping people by decorating their homes.  Over and over again people have told me that it does help, but I always counter that it only helps those who are able to afford it.  Not that only the poor need help, everyone needs help in their own way.

We have a client who I sometimes get the feeling just wants someone to talk to, to share with.  Or perhaps he is just a gregarious guy, but every time we meets with him he talks and talks.

———-

Do I design small homes for a living?  That way feeling like designer and client are both keeping our impact on the land small and thoughtful?  Do I design homes for the elderly, because they are mostly forgotten?  Do I not even start my own design firm and instead start a B&B, complete with individually decorated yurts?  Do I throw in the towel completely and find my purpose by having kids?  I don’t know.

I just feel sometimes like I am not living up to my potential.  I have all these ideas and inspirations but none of them come to life.  So either they are false flags or I am wasting too much time on the internet!

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2 thoughts on “Appreciation

  1. I know this won’t be much comfort, but I have felt the way you describe here for most of my adult life. (I’m 48). As part of my job, I receive career coaching, and it was so refreshing and jolting when my coach suggested that I’m simply not one of those people who has their one true thing. My “thing” is to be continually growing in new directions. To never feel as if I’ve answered the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. There are just so many things I’d like to be.

    I really wish I’d known in my 20s that there are people like me, and that I’m one of them. Maybe you are? Although I’m certainly no expert, this is what I wish I’d done when I was younger: Rather than focusing on trying to answer my questions about what to do/be when I grow up (fearing that if I didn’t get the answer right I’d hopelessly screw up my life), I wish I’d focused on what I want to do/be Right Now. I wish I’d focused on what I love doing, rather than on all the other things the doing can impact. I wish I’d played it less safe, had been less practical. I think that when we follow our passions, the other stuff has a way of falling into place–often in delightful ways we never could have orchestrated in advance.

    • I love what you have written and find it very encouraging! Fearing that I’ll screw up my life, or not live up to my full potential (whatever that may be) if I don’t figure out what I am destined to do is exactly how I feel. Focusing on the present moment is sometimes hard for me and I find myself waiting for the next big thing. But if that’s how I spent life, then quickly life will have passed me by. I also find peace in the thought that most people might only make one grand impacting gesture in their entire lives. Not saying that the small stuff doesn’t matter but most us of compare ourselves to a compilation of great deeds done by others. A 15 minutes of fame sort of thing I guess. Playing it less safe sounds like a wonderful idea as well…

      Anywho, these kinds of discussions are so good and really appreciate your comment! I spent some time yesterday reading through your blog, good stuff!

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